Sinner's Lament by Cory N.

Content Warning

Dry on my fingers—long, uncertain, trembling still.  A deep, awful red.  It sticks.  It stains.  I laughed then.  It laughs now, in turn.  It taunts me, a crimson vengeance coloring my palms, caked ‘neath my nails.  Out!  Pick it out….  An odious reminder of my actions from hours past.  A time before sun. Shameful.  Despicable.  Five o’clock it was then; half past seven now.  Sit again, stand again.  Still, he lies in sleep eternal.  A ruby pool, a silver blade—my blade by his side.  Sit again, stand again; sink back into the wood.  The silver glints by the light of a new dawn.  Thin.  Sharp.  Still.  He lies still.  Quiet.  Think no more.  Hold the tome.  Leather binding, gilt detail.  Cold and heavy in my hands, cold and heavy....  Flip a page.  Flip two more.  24 books in; flip a page again.  Large number 17, small number 9: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”

Who indeed….  Perverse.  Devious.  That which is born of human desire could be nothing but….  Evil inherent.  Ego sum evil incarnate.  We are wicked.  Vile beings.  Vile bodies.  Vile souls—marred by imperfections.  Foolish human error.  What ever have I done?  A state of disrepair.  Perpetual.  Permanent.  Unclean.  Impure.  Quiet, and listen….  Bread of life, blood outpoured.  For me?  For the sinner?  Again, I rise.  Scour me, I beg.  Mind, body, soul. Expunge the faults.  Again we pray.  My God (Our Father), make me pure once more (who art in heaven), as the lily or the lamb (hallowed be thy name).  Hear me now (thy kingdom come).  With repentance.  With rue.  With briny tears.  Hear my pain, hear my plea, and take pity (thy will be done).  Have mercy, precious Lord, if it be thy will.  Forgive me.  Sweet remission. Renew me.  Make me clean.  Make me in thine image—(on earth) as below, (as it is in heaven) so above.  Unworthy are we…  Am I….  Still, I entreat.  In fear, I beseech thee.  Quiet the noise.  Grant me peace (give us this day).  Grant me strength (our daily bread).  Offer me sanctification….  Divine retribution (and forgive us our trespasses) that thee alone may give.  I have sinned.  Forgive me (as we forgive those)!  With intention, cruel intention.  I did it.  In anger, father.  In envy, I struck.  I pierced.  In impiety, I destroyed that which you created.  I killed him—(who trespass against us) an innocent life!  Oh, sorrow.  My God, (and lead us not) from thy path, I’ve strayed….  Far… so far (into temptation) from virtue—down the path of vice.  Of iniquity.  Of hedonism.  Of gluttony.  Of wrath.  Of sin.  Foul plague (but deliver us).  Deliver me, Lord—(from evil) for the devil hath tainted me.  Scourge of man.  Hellish decadence.  My transgressions I confess.  I beg of thee now—(for) I am (thine) to take another life, to take mine own into these forsaken hands.  I beg of thee (is the kingdom), seize my body (and the power).  Seize my soul (and the glory).  Take it all away, dear God (forever); Amen.